Friday, November 21, 2008

The Smallest Penis and Gary Glitter's birthday party.

Aye so the other day I went to this Korean spa thing, called a Jimjimbang. And these spas are really nice, you can get into these big hot baths, sauna, steam rooms, massage, get your nails done, the works.

But the thing is they're separated, girls and boys, ladies and gentlemen, cunts and cocks right, because you have to get completely bollock naked. Now I'd never experienced anything like this before, being naked with a load of other men, so I was a bit unsure about the whole thing, but I went along with it, new country, different culture and that, trying new things is what I'm all about.

So as soon as we get in there, we're being confronted with man nudity every way we turned. And the thing is, theres no age limit in these places, as old as you like and as young as you like. Your seeing old wrinkly men that look like old teabags and wee boys that look like wee boys. A bit edgy but more on that later. We made our way over to the lockers and started to get undressed. Like I said, I've never really been in a position like this before, I wasn't in any sports teams at high school or university or anything, so I wasn't accustomed to being naked with a load of guys, so I was sheepishly taking my clothes off whilst having a sneaky peak round to make sure I didn't have the smallest pencil in the case. I'm in East Asia, so if the rumours were anything to go by I wouldn't have anything to worry about.

And I didn't have anything to worry about, I looked at a hand full of willies, maybe 10 or 15, like I said, a hand full. So I was feeling good, proudly stripping down to the skud, swinging it about and that. Now at this point I started to get very concious, not because of size, shape or colour or anything see, I'm still a young guy right. My hormones are still all over the place, and i'm still prone to the odd random erection. I am a lot more in control of the wee man than I once was, but I'm still at risk of getting an unprovoked hard on now and again. Now, in a room full of naked men, disgustingly old and sinfully young, in a homphobic country like Korea, you don't want to be sporting a hard on. I started racking my brain, desperately trying to put the unsexiest image I could muster into my head. The same sort of thing you do when your having sex and trying to last a bit longer, you think unsexy thoughts so you don't dump your muck after about 45 seconds. I have a cum curdling image I use for occassions like this.

There's this fat old bird that lives on my street back home, she's lovely right, really nice, but I'd rather shag a forrest fire. She's a big massive hing that needs a zimmer frame to support her, the only thing in the world that's slower than her is her metabolism. So I picture her, on a rainy January morning, out in the back garden, wearing only a thong, mixing cement.

So that was what I put in my head as I went to the showers. Happy as larry, nae danger of getting a random. But it was at that moment that I saw something quite startling. I stopped in my tracks and completely forgot about the unsexy image. If I was wearing socks it would have knocked them off.

I saw the smallest penis I've ever seen in my life.

Now, like I said, I haven't been in this sort of situation many times, so the only experience I really have with other cocks comes from watching pornographic documentaries. As I'm sure you're aware, the guys in porn movies are hung like Ian Curtis, and it doesn't really give you an accurate average of the male fallous. But this boy's willy was like nothing I've ever seen before, it was tucked away in there, almost completely hidden amongst a mass of pubic hair. Clearly the age old male secret of trimming you pubic hair to make you boaby look bigger was never told to this guy, but I mean this hing was so small there wouldn't really be any point, you can't make the best of a bad situation in this case, you can't sugar coat it, it's like putting a top hat on a dog shit. Anyways, I think it would be quite dangerous for this guy to attempt to go in there with the scissors just incase he slipped and his cock ended up in the toilet pan. But this thing was looked like a Werthers Original in a bird's nest.

But after a few minutes I got over what I'd just seen and got on with getting ma spa on. We went and scrubbed down and headed on over to the baths. There's a big mix of hot and cold baths to choose from and the way that they recommend you do it is go from one straight the other and get the blood flowing. We hit the hot one up first and boiled ourselves up nice. Very relaxing, lovely stuff folks. We spent about 2 minutes in there and then sauntered over to the cold bath. When we got in it there was a load of other blokes in there, maxin' relaxin', so we got as comfortable as you could in a freezing cold bath.

It was at this point that I could suddenly sympathise with the guy with the smallest penis in the world because if it got any colder, I would be after his crown. It was baltic man. But I closed my eyes and tried to block out the feelings of discomfort and focus on Keria Knightley, on a sunny day, in my back garden, wearing only a thong, mixing drinks to try and add a couple of inches onto the wee fella to try and save my embarassment when I got out. I noticed that the water was splashing around a hell of a lot, like a tide had suddenly developed in the bath. I opened my eyes to see what was going on and suddenly forgot about Keria Knightley and thought about the fat woman with the cement again.

Me and my mate were sitting completely naked in a cold bath with four children all under the age of ten.

This was the single most bizzare moment of my entire life. I did not expect to be in a position like this. Not when I was 21. 81 maybe, but not at 21. Suddenly the whole relaxing atmosphere of the spa, wasn't very relaxing anymore. It was horrible, they were splashing around and having a great time and I was terrified. Nobody in the spa thought anything sinister about the whole thing, this was normal to them, but I had never felt more like a criminal.

Just awful.

That put somewhat of a dampener on the experience. I left shortly after.


Ross x

1 comment:

G said...

You're beautiful.