Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Products of the Year: Part One

So I was bored at work today. Didn't have any classes because the kids were getting tested. Hepatitis or something, I don't know, I stayed out of it. But I chose to spend the day looking at some of the weird things that people spend their money on. The following are the pick of the day's hard labour.
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The first one, the product that started this whole charade, was found completely by accident. When you type "Scented Rubbers" into Google, you don't expect to find pencil erasers.
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Why would you invent something like this? The main selling point seems to be the scent and little milk carton container, but I think your sending potentially fatal signals to your child. Why would you make a chunk of rubber that looks like blamange, smells like strawberries and comes in a carton....and then punt it on to kids? They're going to eat the fucking thing!
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I remember as a 6 year old eating a whole chap stick because it smelt like peppermint. It didn't look like food, nor was it presented in a box associated with oral consumption, but I was tricked by the smell and the smell alone. I was a smart kid and not exactly one for experimentation (I didn't take mushrooms nor did I once put my finger up ma bum and smell it), the same cannot be said for the kids of today.
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This is going straight down the hatch.
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The next one on my crazy list is this little beauty. An overall for your chicken. Funny because most people just use tin foil.
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But there would appear to be a market out there for people who have chickens as pets and like to dress them up in clothes.
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Dressing up dogs and cats infuriates me enough but this is pulling the pish. It also comes with a lovely little disclaimer at the bottom: "Chicken not included."
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Now...for one of my favourites. I love this one. It would go down very well in the UK since the smoking ban because you can no longer piss on the ciggie for
pub toilet sport anymore. This is a set of football goals and a mini ball that you can pish on to.
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I can tell exactly how this one came about. Some maverick inventor was out of their face in a pub toilet one night and was very bored. He was happily pishin' his load and looked down to see a ball of chewing gum sitting there nestled amongst the urinal cakes. "Hmmmmm, that ball of chewing gum looks like a......" He staggers out the toilet so fast, cock still hangin' there, looking for the nearest coaster and a pen to jot down his terrific idea. And at that point my friends, history was made.
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The only gripe I have with this truely magnificent idea is that football is a spectator sport. Urinating is not.
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I am impressed that I managed to get to the end of this product review without a single crude ball joke. Wait, does that count as one?
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This one doesn't really need much explaining. A crocodile foot that some disrespectful bastard has turned into a beer glass. This poor animal was probably shot solely for this abmonination of engineering and novelty product innovation.
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Couple of things. The glass is attached with rope by the looks of things, at least give the fucker the dignity of a bit of glue or something. It's bad enough you made his foot into a drinks holder but you didn't even have the decency to make it a quality novelty item.
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Also, look at the size of the fucking thing! That's never going comfortably into your cupboard. I'd also say that the weight ratio is a bit off, clip his toenails and your getting closer to the desired spirit level. You'd spill your beer everywhere if you tried to drink out of this. If your going to kill an animal and turn it into something pointless, at least give the poor thing the dignity of making it ergonomically sound.
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This is the website's description of the product:
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What a hoot of a conversation piece, and functional too, if you wish, as a mug, beer stein or even a pen holder for your desk. Available exclusively from us. Mug is black ceramic or clear glass. Hand wash only.
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"What a hoot of a conversation piece" - Jesus christ, what the fuck would you think if you were at a dinner party and somebody said, "No, no, it's okay. I brought my own glass" and hauled this thing out of his rucksack? Conversation starter, party ender I think.
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"...or even a pen holder" - Show a morsel of respect! A pen holder!?! Jesus christ. At least drink the finest French wine from the cunt, don't put your Bic's in it.
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"Hand wash only" - Can you imagine the wife's reaction when she emptied the dishwasher one morning and found a crocodile's foot in it? Of course your not going to dishwash the fucking thing!!! You'd have to be the stupidest cunt in the world to do something like that, although this product is clearly aimed at that very person.
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There's more to come, I'll wait until you idiots have been paid until I let you know about some of the other ridiculous wastes of money I've stumbled across on my travels across the world wide web.
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Piece
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Ross x

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