Thursday, October 23, 2008

Things I hate - An Ode to George Carlin

  • People that don't realise I am wearing headphones to avoid talking to them.
  • People that use the fact that they're blonde as an excuse for doing something fucking stupid. And most of the people that use this self-deprecating ideology are not even blonde, they dye their hair blonde so that they can pretend to have idiotic excuse for being a fucking idiot.
  • Cunts that stand still on the walking side of the escalator.
  • People who play air instruments in nightclubs. Yes yes, I get it. You can play a real musical instrument and you would like everyone is the room to know that. Please stop this desperate attempt to make yourself look sexually appealing to women who like 'guys in bands'. You look like a spastic with his nipples hooked up to a car battery.
    Air drums are the worst because people that play them always do it accurately, they make sure they get all the fills and even get the kick drums on time, as if they were actually playing the drums. The air guitar catapulted out of fashion in the 90s and just consists of fit-like flailing of limbs and head banging, and air keyboard is the squarest shape you can possibly bust on a dance floor. But where are all the people playing the air bass?
  • People that wear rugby shirts. I don't think I need to justify myself on that one.
  • Summer - Too much sunshine, visible cellulite and optimism.
  • Fat people that buy lots of fitness equipment for their home. Home is where the fridge is. Go outside and walk far away from a shop or a fridge and you WILL lose weight.
  • People that drive to the gym to walk on the treadmill.
  • Electric pencil sharpeners. Who the hell thought that sharpening a pencil was too much effort that there should be a machine to do it for you? The people mentioned above I'm sure. If you really need to sharpen that many pencils that it could become painful to rotate a 20g piece of metal then my suggestion is buy a fucking pen.
  • When I try my best to let off a wee stealth fart and just when I think I got away with it someone appears out of nowhere and awkwardly tries to talk to me and ignore the blatantly obvious fart climbing up their nostrils.
  • Winter - Too cold, expensive and depressing.
  • People that make a situation incredibly uncomfortable by trying to make sure that you are comfortable.
    "Can I get you anything? Are you sure? Just a wee tea or a coffee? Juice! We've got juice if you'd prefer, apple or orange we have blackcurrant Jim? Jim! We've no got any no? Well I'll just nip down the shops and get some. It's no problem. Really? Are you sure you're okay? Something to eat maybe? You look thirsty, a wee glass of Dr Pepper or something. Can I get you anything? That seat can't be comfortable. Listen come on, you can't sit there like that, take my seat. You'll hurt you back like that, sure come on and sit down here in my seat. I'll just stand here. Are you okay? Is that seat alright for you? Me? No, I'm fine, I like standing. Can I get you a tea or something? Are you comfortable like that? I'll nip next door to my mother's and get you another wee cushion. No, don't you be silly it's no problem at all. Back in a jiffy! I'll see if she's got any blackcurrant while I'm through."
  • Your mate's band.
  • Spring - Too much nature, poetry and pre-summer optimism.
  • Clothes covered in zips that don't zip.
  • Guys that can't accept that they're 70% bald and have that stupit beard thing on the back of their head. It's like that girlfriend that chucked you 10 years ago. She's gone and she's not coming back mate! Get over it! She gradually slipped through your fingers, and in the end she packed up and left you for the bathroom floor.
  • Autumn - Too much stuff and things everywhere.
  • The lads, the blokes, the geezers, the boys and the fellas.
  • Myself.

I had to get all that off my tits folks.

I hope that gave you something to th(dr)ink about.

Ross x

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