Friday, October 3, 2008

Money and that

So I'm going to be skint for another month then. I get a call from my UK financial office (my parent's house) to inform me that I have overdrawn my overdraft and need to start paying the dirty bastards back. The boys at the Clydesdale Bank are a little edgy about the situation because I owe a substantial and undisclosed fee and my account has been completely inactive for over two months. No withdrawals, no deposits, no standing orders, no pending payments and no indication of a current employer. They have even greater cause for concern because the last transaction put on my Clydesdale Student Account was a one way flight to South Korea.

Now I would just like to point out that I have every intention of paying this money back. I wish to one day return to Scotland and when I do return, I hope to be in a financial situation where I don't regard suicide to be the most appealing option. The fact is that they are after me now and are sending letters to try to get their money back and unfortunately the days are long gone where you could pay this sort of debt with both your pinky fingers and a couple of toe punts to the chest, because I have become rather fond of my big bag of money and the thought of having to hand it over to these clean-cut, greetin faced, 9 to 5, pencil-pushing criminals gees me the dry boak. If it were a feasible option I could sacrifice my pinkies, I haven't used them since I stopped drinking tea with the upper classes, and my chest could really do with a couple of swift kicks to move some of my post-cold phlegm. But unfortunately I cannot barter a beating from these white collared Ned Kelly's and I have to grudgingly hand over my bag of cash once a month. 400,000 notes, once a month for the next 10 months and my debt will be cleared and as a result I will probably have dug myself into just as much debt with a Korean Bank and be about 8 stone lighter than when I left.

While we're on the topic of money, I'd just like to say that I am trying to make sense of all of this banking jargon ("Bank with us and you could enjoy a current APR of 6.9% over 24 months with added financial tax-breaks for the 6 months prior to puchase with a fixed monthy rate of compound interest on you floating mortgage repayments at a variable interest rate of your current equity value" Now, isn't that what all of our lives really need? Even more nonsense) because I am desperate to know the fate in store for the financial world and it gives me great pleasure reading about Wall Street's gradual trip down the pan, round the U-bend and out to sea. Reading these reports and making sense of the current economical situation gives me a semi because, forgive me for being optimistic and unrealistic, the end of this shallow, capital driven existence could be near.

Look at your Louis Vutton bags, your Peter Werth 3-piece suit, your Lexus on finance, your 3 bedroom semi-detached with a garden space, the wife's wedding ring, your time-share in Cornwall, your Kenny Roger's back catalogue, your Samsung 52 inch, your box seat at Lords, your iPhone and the rest of this shallow little pile of shite you have shodily assembled on credit to compensate for a lack of personality and realise that it's your fault. Don't buy things you can't afford.

Don't shop at John Lewis when Argos will do.

Don't take me seriously, I have no idea what I'm talking about. But for the first time in my life, I'm actually glad I'm broke.

Ross Sung-Kim x

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